What I learned about Women’s Evil Plot to Destroy Nostalgia with Sexy Halloween Costumes

am Master Freight Train and my Nostalgia Kung Fu is strong.


Just the Facts:

1. Halloween is a great holiday, you get candy, get freaky and put on masks.
2. It's in the same category as Mardi Gras and New Years for crazy, anonymous make-out sessions.
3. "Sexy" may be a better word than "slutty" if you are trying to get your girlfriend to wear these.

I know it may come as a surprise to you 21st century boys and girls, but women were different in the 90’s. It was a different scene. Intelligent, sexual women across the land wanted to run with the wolves while reading Naomi Wolfe’s Beauty Myth. They couldn’t put on make up or shave their legs without asking, “Why am I doing this; are these the tools of my oppression?” I don’t have the stats to prove this, but in the 90’s fewer asses got spanked during sex then any decade in modern history. The 69 rose in prominence as the only accepted egalitarian form of oral sex. And for the first time in history, a frank dialogue about the magic and glory of the menses was considered foreplay.

This was before Sex and the City feminism took hold. Today, women hold onto the false delusion that they can empower themselves by tweeting about how much they enjoy oral sex. Where a frattish mentality of getting drunk and laid is somehow akin to saying, “I’m a woman and I will not be denied!” Now, of course that’s wrong-headed and false, but men don’t typically try to dispel that notion because, well why would we dissuade you from talking about oral sex? It’s much easier for dudes to say, “Yes, you’re an independent woman. Now finish your beer and do that thing I like with the thing.”

Halloween uses the same formula as the Internet: More anonymity -> sexual depravity + people acting like assholes + kids getting access to stuff they never would otherwise
Thus it is no surprise that sexy Halloween costumes took off in the late 90’s early 2000’s threshold. When it comes to Halloween, most women fail to realize they have options aside from the sexy angel, sexy maid, sexy cat or sexy devil. This is because our male-dominated society prevents women from making informed decisions on their own, oppressing them into a Halloween night of routine to further the sexual gratification of men. Women have the right to be whatever they want, be it a sexy firefighter, a sexy police officer, a Playboy bunny or even Jeanie from I dream of Jeanie. The world is yours.

There's an endless variety of costumes for adult women... provided they've been made to be as whorish as possible

1. Have Breasts.
2. Buy a regular costume.
3. Cut holes for cleavage/trim the skirt so it almost covers your vagina.

Costumes for adult women are equal parts inventive and traditional. And by "Traditional", I mean in that "World's oldest profession" way. On the one hand, women can choose a from a cornucopia of work uniforms, fairy tale characters, Halloween icons and genre-types, the only catch is they're made to look like the selection catalogue of a ritzy escort service that specializes in fetishes. Which is fine.

Traditional men have pigeon holed women into the following basic costumes.




















Some women may say that the idea of dressing up as a sexy ___ for Halloween is unoriginal and that every conceivable idea has been done more times than a hooker after shore leave. Well, there's no law against women going as something from pop culture, but experience shows us that women simply do not have the same level of hero worship men have with characters from old TV shows and athletes no one takes seriously. But just because a live action Wonder Woman movie isn't on the horizon doesn't mean women are short on options that aren’t ripe for the taking.

Like of female characters from old tv shows or movies,










Any Disney princess








And while it may be sexist to think women can only be female characters, it's certainly better than the conflicting feelings men would have for a suddenly attractive Joey Ramone. However, like all things related to women, things quickly got out of hand. Sexy _____ were no longer enough, they had to somehow warp and twist this idea to further benefit their own schemes. See fellas, I’m going to let you in on alittle secret, women are jealous, selfish, scheming little minks.

Their life long domination (not the fun kinky kind, the horrible soul crushing kind) goals can be broken down into 3 steps.

1. Find a man
2. Isoloate said man from friends, thus isolating him from all manhood.
3. Deconstruct man and rebuild him as another assessory for your house.

It’s that last part that men don’t fully realize is happening until it is too late. Women will isolate their man from the other men, and slowly, so not to raise suspension on the man’s part, they will change his habits, take away his hobbies, and things he enjoys doing that are not in line with what the woman wants. Then to complete the process they will eliminate all nostalgic things the man has. Think I’m joking? What about posters? Men, when you were single you used to have tons of posters, now what is hanging on your walls? Paintings? Carefully constructed portraits of the family? Think about it, has a woman ever asked you to stop playing a video game? To put them away? To flat out get rid of them? Or how about the ultimate mind fuck, has a woman ever asked you stop looking at porn. Remember how much you used to look at before she was in your life? How often do you openly look at it now, in secret? Exactly….

How does this tie back into sexy Halloween costumes? Women are using these costumes to completely turn us off to our childhood nostalgia in an effort to ease the training all women put their men through. Kinda like giving a cat a sedative, before you put them down. Don’t believe me? Take a look…


Women used to dress as the women version of characters.

Like Supergirl and Batgirl.





















But now they are dressing as the man characters. Like Spiderman, Green Lantern, Flash.















Or how about nonsexy characters turned sexy? Like from the movie The Wizard of OZ.













They will even change a man character into a female character just to mind fuck them men. Like Freddy Kruger, Chucky, and Leatherface

















Also they’re going after inanimate characters.

Transformers






















Pacman and the ghosts.

















Here is where it gets sick, they will taking children’s cartoons/movies and sexually pervert them just to erase a man’s past.

Like with Nemo and Spongebob.





















Lastly, the “Finish Him” move that prove women have crossed the line. Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!













This is the final straw! The line will be drawn here! For years men have seen girls attempt to dress as sexy ninja turtles, and we played it off being individualistic and somewhat creative. But it does not enter our fantasy, because it is the pervasion of something that is stoic, the baseline for our manhood and heroism we have built for ourselves and to see it brought down to this level is just sick. Men NEVER thought about banging the turtles. EVER. You know why? Because of April O’Neal. If any of you women were smart and new anything about Ninja Turtles, you all would be handing out yellow jumpsuits and men would follow you like zombies.





















So many early childhood fantasies.



We’ve tried the whole female turtle thing, it didn’t work. Just look at this shit!





















Burn it with Fire.



A Power Ranger Cross over!? Are you shitting me!? This almost single handedly killed my childhood.
















We've destroyed both franchises. Mission Accomplished.



Why would you take two things men hold the most dear and combine them!? Some things are not meant to be combined! It’s like taking Super Mario Bros. 2 and the Frenchmaid, YOU JUST DO NOT DO IT!!


















I understand the individual parts but when you put them all together, I have no idea what I am looking at.

Is nothing safe anymore? Will you women stop at nothing!?


In Conclusion Men are fucked.
















Oh as an FYI to any women reading this, Sexy Clowns are creepy as fuck, KNOCK IT OFF!!!





As a side note, there were a high number of sexy Santa outfits, I don’t understand how this ties in to everything.














I’m sure this can’t be good.

GoldenEye 007: Revolution or Rebellion?

Part 1 - GoldenEye 007: All the essential ingredients of a nutritious and delicious gaming experience.

I am Master Freight Train and my Nostalgia Kung Fu is strong.

Just The Facts
1. Widely considered one of the greatest games of all-time.
2. Included the ability to Bitch-slap a man to death.
3. One of the first games to include a groin-shot death animation.
4. Contains one of the most frustrating protection missions ever. We're looking at you "Control."
5. Allows you to use the shittiest video game weapon of all time, the Klobb.
















Save time and just shoot yourself in the fucking head.


If you played video games in 1997, chances are you spent many a late night killing the shit out of your friends in GoldenEye 007. You were also probably consuming a dangerous amount of Mountain Dew.

The N64 game version of Goldeneye sold 8 million copies. That's around $300 million in revenue, triple what the film grossed in the US.
















The Secret is dick shots.

History
Do you remember what the most important thing in your life was in late 1997? Of course you do, it was fucking GoldenEye 007.
GoldenEye 007 puts you in the shoes of Ian Fleming's legendary spy, James Bond, as he murders his way across 20 levels of nonstop face shooting action. The game kicks incredible amounts of ass and was groundbreaking upon its original release in August of 1997. Boasting a large assortment of weapons, context sensitive gunshot wounds and block-headed enemies, GoldenEye took the gaming world by storm. Its single-player mode was praised for its mix of stealth and action, as well as its emphasis on varied objectives. No longer was your mission solely to "get the key," GoldenEye had you planting tracking devices, driving tanks, destroying missile silos, shooting people in toilet stalls and bungee jumping off of dams.

GoldenEye 007 follows the plot of the film pretty closely. After a mission goes awry, Bond's partner Alec Trevelyan, agent 006, is killed in action. Bond later investigates the theft of a prototype military helicopter by the Janus crime syndicate, which also has connections to the deadly GoldenEye satellite. Upon agreeing to a meeting with the head of Janus, Bond discovers that Janus' leader is actually Alec Trevelyan. Bond must stop Trevelyan from using the GoldenEye satellite to avenge his parents' death by robbing the Bank of England and destroying Great Britain's economy.












"Wah wah, my parents died and I am a huge wuss."


Multiplayer
Despite GoldenEye's awesome single-player mode, what truly defines it as a game is its four-way multiplayer deathmatch mode. Deathmatch mode allowed for you and three of your friends to grab your awkwardly-shaped N64 controllers and do what friends do best, kill each other. GoldenEye's multiplayer lets you play as most of the characters featured in single-player mode. One of those characters is Trevelyan's henchwoman Xenia Onatopp, played by Famke Jannsen, who like every other woman you know, literally gets off on killing you.






















She can slob on my klobb any day.


GoldenEye 007 has been known to cause fights between its players. Some points of contention are whether or not screen-watching is considered strategy or cheating (it's cheating), whether or not it's good form to memorize all the spawn points and kill people before they even have a chance to acquire a weapon (douchebag behavior SCOTT!!) and whether or not using Oddjob is strategy or just a means of hiding one's lack of skill (GODDAMNIT! HE'S TOO SHORT AND FAST! WHAT? YOU JUST POPPED UP FROM OUT OF NOWHERE! SON OF A BITCH! WHAT THE FUCK? ARGH!!!!!!).






















You smug son of a bitch.

Legacy
GoldenEye 007 paved the way for the glut of first-person shooters we have today. It had a "spiritual successor" in the game Perfect Dark and later on in the Timesplitters franchise. It was also followed by a number of sequels such as Tomorrow Never Dies, The World is Not Enough, Agent Under Fire and 007 Nightfire, none of which captured the same success of GoldenEye 007, but still did well enough on their own. Although games like Doom and Quake were the first to pioneer the FPS, GoldenEye created the blueprint that most shooters have followed since.

What your Mario Kart Characters says about your Personality

I am Master Freight Train and my Nostalgia Kung Fu is strong.

Just the Facts
1. Mario Kart is perhaps the most awesome racing series ever created by man.
2. Mario Kart is perhaps the most infuriating, make-you-want-to-punch-the-shit-out-of-your-friends-and/or-little-sister racing series ever created by man.
3. Chicks love Mario Kart.















My friends and I used to agree that the game would be better if you hear Toad say, "Select your Mother Fucking Player!"


The Characters

Mario Kart was one of the first games to stumble upon the idea of taking characters from different games and throwing them all into one game so that we could finally prove, once and for all, that Toad was a WAY more badass than Luigi. As the series grew, so did the list of characters. Some were awesome characters that should have been added a long time ago, and of course, we have the characters that we just can't seem to get rid of, no matter how many times we've a) refused to use them, b) used them for green shell target practice, or c) sent death threats to the game developers. It became apparent throughout our game play that what character you choose said something about your personality, such as:

Mario / Luigi – This is your first time playing Mario Kart and you clearly have no idea what you are doing. You saw these two on the covers and recognize their faces from past Mario Bros games, so you figured they were the safe bet. Like in life you see advertisements and recognize name brands, you try to be individualistic in your designer clothes that everyone else wears.

Princess Peach – This is the racer that chicks always picked. It was the only girl in the game and she’s pink! Their racing ability is about what you would expect from a woman controlling a woman racer. She drives way to fast, constantly looses control and falls off cliffs. They will always be last but get the best items and fire them into the wall anyway. Always in 8th place. If you picked this character and were a guy, what the hell dude?

Yoshi – Yoshi is the character you picked if Mario Kart 64 is your first time tasting the bitter/sweetness that is the Mario Kart. He was fast, small, and could drive circles around most of the other racers. Guys usually picked this one opposed to Peach, since they are the same type of racer, but Yoshi is green and not pink, thus manlier. Let’s hope they never find your homoerotic fan fiction of Mario Kart titled, “Yoshi’s Valley.”

Toad – You picked this character because you have the original Mario Kart on the Super Nintendo. You remember him being the best and you stuck your guns. He’s the second fastest but more stable, thus you are always in perfect control. Like your personality you would rather be safer and less fast, thus you picked the fungus.

Wario/Boswer/Donkey Kong – If you have chosen any of these characters you clearly have no idea what is going on. You probably have stumbled into a room of people watching a TV with flashing lights, picked up a controller, shoved it down your pants, then pissed all over yourself. It is the only logical explanation why you choose these characters. Like in life you either have brain damage or are such a total D-Bag that you think you can go the whole race without ever slowing down, hitting the wall, or being hit with any items. Either way the results are the same, GET THE FUCK OUT!!


















Look at that Dumb Son of a Bitch, driving off the road on his own level. Also what the hell is Wario doing? Watching Peach blast off to the moon?



The Items

Most people in their twenties would agree that Mario Kart was where their affinity for cursing grew and developed into something verging on psychopathic. And the cause of it all was the floating "?" Block that doled out a random weapon that each of us could use to screw our friends over, often to the point where they either cried or threw their controller at our heads while we laughed maniacally. Some of those coma inducing items:

Lightning - Your about to make that giant jump to win the race at Wario's bizarre arena dirt track when all of the sudden your screen flashes, you spin out, shrink, and get flattened into a tiny pancake after getting run over by a CPU. This one wasn't even all that satisfying to dole out because of the high pitched little song that came with it, especially when compared with...

Star - It's like driving a gay tank down the middle of the Macy's Day Parade. We all love being invincible, and we all love the ability to go really fast, but the best part was the awesome disco track that went along it.

Red Shell - You shoot it, it hones in on the nearest target and tries its very hardest to please its master by fucking up said target.

Green Shell - Red Shell's inbred, drunk driving cousin.

Banana - At first useless and then useful and ultimately obnoxious item. The day we realized we could fling bananas forward was perhaps the greatest days of our adolescence. It quickly went downhill when we realized that we had to dodge those bananas like everyone else. Why bananas would make a car spin out was a mystery, but when one of our friends flew off the course and fell into lava/water/empty space due solely to our discarded fruit condom, we couldn't help but pause the game for a brief but well deserved victory dance.

Blue Shell - Fuck the Blue Shell.

4 Reasons Doc Brown is a Shithead.

I am Master Freight Train and my Nostalgia Kung Fu is strong.

We all know the wonderful characters of Back to the Future. Our protagonist Marty McFly and his time traveling adventures, and the antagonists Biff, Griff and Mad Dog Tanner. However, where does Doc Brown fit in? He helps Marty fix the time lines and tries to make everyone’s lives better. However, on multiple occasions Doc Brown puts Marty’s life in peril, changes the time line for his own personal gain.














Doc Brown once changed Marty Mcfly into this guy, just because he could.


Doc Brown is just an over all shithead and here is why.


Doc brown has amazing toys that only he can play with.

Hey remember in the beginning of Back to the Future 2, when that bitch girlfriend of Marty’s was running her mouth too much? Doc Brown gets fed up with her mouth, so he uses his date rape gun and shines a beam of light in her eyes, which makes her go cross eyed and pass out. Then Doc Brown had to go grab his down Einstein from the kennel, so he dumps the chick in an alley, on some stinky garbage. All because he did not have enough room in the DeLoran for both her and his dog. On his way, he grabs Marty Mcfly Jr. and zaps his ass with the date rape gun too, so Marty could take his place. Then that little gun, a.k.a. “plot mcgruffin,” disappears. Seriously Doc? I can think of at least 5 other times that stupid gun could have come in handy.













Hey Doc, that sleep gun thingy, you had 40 minutes ago, I could really use that right now.


Doc Brown will try to save everyone, but Marty

Hey remember in Back to the Future, where Doc Brown got shot up by those Libyan terrorist. Brown dies like a little bitch best part of the movie in my opinion.













Seriously, plot hole terrorist, shooting up the logic of this movie.

Then Marty leads them on a chase and makes them crash into that 1 hour photo booth. Whatever happened to those little booths? So he goes back to 1955 and writes Doc a letter telling him how he will be shot. Brown reads it and wears a bullet proof vest, saving his life. Hooray! So if Doc Brown figured, “What the hell.” They why the holy fuck would he not tell Marty about the car crash that he will get into, literally the next day. (From a non time traveling point of view in 1985). Clearly that crash caused Marty to hurt his hand, which made him quit his music and sent his life into a shit spiral, which caused his whole family to be complete screw ups, starting with this kid. The very reason they went to 2015 to stop! DOC YOU COULD HAVE SAID TO MARTY, WEAR YOUR SEATBELT TOMORROW AND PREVENTED ALL THAT FROM HAPPENING.














Tell Marty about his future? That would be crazy! I know he already did the same thing to me, but I'm a shithead!!


Doc Brown changes the timeline more times than a woman changes shoes.

Okay, you are going to have to really think about these next 3 points, so pay attention.

Point #1: In Back to the Future, Marty and Doc changed 1955. When Marty got back to 1985, his whole family was different. Basically Marty’s whole family’s history has changed, and he has no memory of it. From the time he is born up until that very moment at the end of the movie. He has had different birthdays, different family vacations, and these people that are not his; “family” they are not the same people he grew up with.





















Even Marty's girlfriend, Jennifer, was different, but that was an upgrade, so he was not going to say anything...


Point #2: Doc is always worried about changing the past, which will screw up the future. One of the first things he says to Marty in 1955, he needs to stay away from everybody. So why then does no one seem to notice this ageless man jumping around time? He clearly goes to the year 2015 and is walking around town, you think he would be a little more concerned say if Biff Tanner saw him, or Marty from 2015, or any of the countless other people that might recognize him and think, why has Doc Brown not aged a day since 1985 or really 1955? The reason, Doc Brown has a problem thinking 4th dimensionally. Brown is always telling Marty, “You’re not thinking 4th dimensionally,” Marty has a real problem with that. However, Brown’s own dumbass is not very good at it either. For instance, here is a question for you Doc Brown, in Back to the Future 3; there were 2 time machines in 1885. One Doc Brown traveled back in, and one Marty traveled back in. Marty’s time machine was out of gas, why not get the gas from Doc’s time machine, and go back to the year 1985? Why go through all of that train pushing crap? You know why? Because Doc Brown is a shithead.












Wait, we could be happy if it wasn't for that shithead Doc Brown?

Point #3: Throughout the whole trilogy there are references to Marty getting into the car accident and screwing up his life. In the end he avoids it and alters the courser of his future. Okay, Marty gets into the accident while driving his black truck, the same black truck that he gets in the new 1985 after the events in the first Back to the Future. My question is, how would Marty have gotten into the accident in the original timeline of 1985 if he never had that truck? If he never went back in time with Doc Brown, he still would have gotten in the car accident. How? His dad’s car was totaled by Biff, which we see in the beginning of Back to the Future.


Doc Brown is a total Shithead and destroys all 3 movies within 5 min.

Okay so Doc Brown only wants to change the timeline when it benefits him. He will not let Marty take the sports almanac back in 1985 to win a little bit of money so Marty can make his life better, perhaps put his kids through college, or move to better neighborhood. No Doc Brown is a shithead and will not let that happen. (This was their whole reason to go to 2015 to begin with, to make the Mcfly’s life better). Then we see all the events of Back to the Future 2 play out when time travel is used for evil. Okay, so here is my question, if Brown is so worried about changing the timeline, why in the hell did he save a woman from 1885, marry her, and have 2 kids with her? If a little book can change time so much, what in the fuck, do you think starting a time traveling family will do to the timeline!? OH! And a flying time traveling train? Are you shitting me? How many style points were you going for when you made that captain obvious?
















Seriously Doc Brown? A flying, time traveling train? Eat a dick.

But I suppose it’s all okay, Marty makes it back, with his upgrade girlfriend, Jennifer 2.0, his family isn’t the one he remembers, but hey, he’s about to go off to college anyway, so fuck them. Oh look, Doc Brown brought him a picture as a souvenir from their adventures; I guess this movie has a happy ending after all….wait what? What’s all this shit about your future isn’t written yet? ISN’T WRITTEN YET? THEN WHAT THE FUCK WHERE WE DOING IN 2015!? WHOA! WAIT! MARTY JUST AVOIDED THE ACCIDENT, WHICH MEANS THAT EVERYTHING FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TIME LINE. NOTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED MATTERS. FUCK YOU BROWN, AND FUCK THIS FLYING TRAIN! HEY INSTEAD OF COMING BACK AND GIVING MARTY THAT FUCKING PICTURE, WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK TO ANY OF THE OTHER TIME PERIODS WHERE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A THOUSANDS TIMES MORE HELPFUL TO HAVE A FUCKING FLYING TRAIN, FUCK YOU DOC SHITHEAD.

















SSSHHHHHIIIIITTTTT HHHHEEEAAAADDDDDDD!!!!

A retrospective of the introspectiveness of Back to the Future

How Back to the Future wakes me up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat

I am Master Freight Train and my Nostalgia Kung Fu is strong.

Last week the internet was flooded with a fake picture from the movie Back to the Future, which showed the current date of July 6, 2010 displayed on the time displacement readout. The majority of us, that spend our days crawling through the seedy underbelly of the internet, are quick to spot photo shopped pictures. However, this one slipped by and spread across the globe. The dissenters tried to control the spread by pointing out the actual date was October 22, 2012, when Marty McFly and Doc Brown traveled to the future. We were simply overwhelmed by the speed and idiocy of the internet. Honestly, we had a better chance of stopping a freight train while standing in front of it without our superman underwear.

I do not recall them going back to the year, ‘Happy birthday’ but the 80’s were crazy.

Why did it spread so quickly? Is it a weird fascination with Hollywood movies using specific dates and matching said dates to our real lives to give us a connection? Is it the sudden realization that, “Holy Crap we are in the future!” Perhaps the picture reminded us all of the futuristic possibilities that were promised, and never delivered. I believed it reminded us all of a time when the only thing you needed to changed your destiny was 1.21 gigawatts or is it jigawatts? (God bless you if you got that joke)

There are few movies that transcend generations and ages as gracefully but Back to the Future pulls it off, in ways that make you want to take it out to a nice seafood dinner and actually listen to how its day went. But why? Why does this movie have such a strong place in our hearts? Is it the futuristic technology? Our first look at the time machine rolling down from the trailer, will forever be ingrained into my memory. I still consider it as one of history’s most bad ass moments, along side the first time we saw the time machine fly, awesome! What about the other technology we saw in the future, holographic Jaws 15, robot gas stations, weather control, date rape guns that Doc Brown totally used on Marty’s girlfriend to get her to shut up. (Leave her on that paper blocks Doc and send Marty to Café 80’s, to confront Griff. While you leave to take care of God knows what, I’m sure you did not double back the instant Marty turned that corner, Doctor Love.)

Those are some serious rape eyes.

Of course, let’s not forget, the hoverboards. Perhaps you are not a Techie person and like to focus on the characters. All of us can relate to Marty’s coming of age story, dealing with your father’s bully, fending off your sexually aggressive teenage mother, inventing Rock n’ Roll, fighting the Libyan terrorist, creating and destroying your own personal Hill Valley hell, and fighting a gunslinger in the old west. I am sure we can all relate to as least three of those life changing experiences. Lastly, our favorite topic of discussion, time travel paradoxes. Let’s face it, this movie is so full of paradoxes that it looks like Charlie Brown’s Halloween ghost outfit, full of holes, not fooling anyone, and honestly Creepy!

I will come right out an say it: I have a love/hate relationship with the hoverboard. I will be the first person to tell you screw the hoverboard! It is a pink baby’s toy. Then I’ll secretly apologize to a poster of it hanging above my bed, as soon as I got home. When any kid first sees Back to the Future 2, they wanted a hoverboard. Period. Anyone saying anything different is a liar or was emotionally dead as a child and should not be trusted. Watch your back.

You know what’s lacking in this picture? Lusting over a hoverboard.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Inside our kid brains we knew it was not real. Movies were not real. Hollywood was a crock, full of light and ‘magic’ and we are not falling for it. Then you go to school that Monday and you sit down with your sloppy joe. Your friends all talk about Back to the Future 2, with meat juice running down your 3rd grade chin. Then in all seriousness for a 7 year old, Chad looks at you and says his dad knows a guy that works for a toy company and that hoverboards are real. The whole table goes silent and everyone is leaning in listening. He goes on, regaling everyone with a tale of an overheard phone conversation, between his dad and said friend at the ‘toy company’. His dad said the other parents thought it was too dangerous; that kids could get hurt. They did not want the toy companies to produce dangerous toys. You knew it! Parents were always getting in the way of your fun. No hoverboards!? Are you serious! They were always up to this type of crap. They clearly did not see the possibilities. I would beg Chad every day at lunch during 3rd grade to tell us more about the hoverboards. Could we write a letter to the company? Send the money directly to purchase one? Steal them!? Chad always had a big mouth and told huge stories that no one took seriously. (Think Chunk from the Goonies) We desperately wanted to believe in the hoverboard story. Sometime towards the end of 3rd grade the slow realization dawned on us all, Chad was full of it. We turned on him that day, vowing never to forget the mind games he put us through that year and I never have Chad!

GET HIM!

Forget the hoverboards; they will plague my fantasy for the rest of entirety. Perhaps it was not the technology and those sweet hoverboards (Stop thinking about it!) that attract us to Back to the Future. Perhaps it is that little scamp Marty Mcfly; an average guy who has just been dealt a bad hand. All he wants is to play the prom with his band, “The Pinheads,” and go up to the lake for the weekend, with this girlfriend Jennifer. We have all been there. Then your friend calls you up at 2 in the morning to meet him at the mall and to bring a video camera. You go, to be a good friend. Then 20 minutes later, he is dead, you are being chased by Libyan terrorists, wearing a radiation suit, in a time machine. You see if the bastards can do 90, then BAM! You are history. (Pun totally intended). Marty’s struggles are not unlike our own. We have all felt, ‘out of time,’ a stranger in a strange land. We have all had to stand up to bullies, perhaps not our own, but our friend’s. Very few of us have the skill to take them down in a high speed car/skateboard action sequence that ends up with them covered in manure. Or heck, I would settle for a good one-line to deliver to my bully. Then walk away as everyone clapped and walked out with me and then the host girl would put her arm through mine and we would get on my hoverboard and ride off. (The hoverboard is part of all my fantasies now. Reading on will be easier if you just accept it.)

It consumes me.

Marty’s struggles are not our favorite topic of discussion, nay. Our favorite topics of conversation with Back to the Future are time travel paradoxes. Everyone loves a good time paradox, because each time travel adventure has its own rules, “Time Rules.” In Back to the Future, there is clearly one time line, hence Marty and his siblings being erased from history. But what if past Marty from 1985 came into contact with future Marty from 1985? Could the same matter occupy the same space, vis à vis Time Cop or would a time paradox occur that would unravel the very nature of the universe as Doc Brown predicted!? Another question that keeps me up at night; how many time machines are there total? I have counted and come up with no less than 7, throughout the trilogy. (I had a time paradox section planned but it has become its own article. I will dive back time paradoxes at a later date.)

It will be posted next week.

Perhaps Marty’s biggest obstacle to overcome is not a bully or time paradoxes, it is himself. I believe this is why the movie continues to resonate with us after the 100th viewing, just as well as it did the 1st time. With each time watching the movie people connect to Marty’s character differently. The teenage youth struggling with the life he was dealt. The coming of age story as Marty deals with the bigger issues than his own desires. Finally to Marty’s understanding that he does not need to prove anything to anyone else, despite what others think. That his destiny is not bound up in other’s opinion of him, but of the opinion he has of himself. Marty does not change, it is us who have changed with each viewing. The first time we watched Back to the Future and went on Marty’s time travel adventure, it was a retrospective of the past, of our parent’s past. We were introduced to the theme of time travel as a developmental tool by Marty going back and connecting with his teenage parents and seeing how their relationship grew through time.

I too would shake the man’s hand that went back in time and had his hot teenage mom take his pants off in her bed. Calvin Klein nothing, more like Calvin’s first time, am I right!?

This made us look at our own lives, probably for the first time as children, and realize that past events affect the future! This means that things I do today can not only affect tomorrow but things a year from today. (Big stuff for a kid that was afraid of the Ghostbusters 2 movie poster) Re-watching Back to the Future now, plucks our heart strings in a nostalgic way, which makes us yearn for a more innocent and simpler time. A time when we were younger and watching Back to the Future for the first time and did not have to worry about reflecting on our choices and decisions and how they have affected us and our present circumstances and ultimately any future consequences. The trilogy ends on a happy note and we still love to hear it today because we are understanding it better all the time. None of our futures are written yet; there is still time to make the best of it.