Just the Facts
1. Mario Kart is perhaps the most awesome racing series ever created by man.
2. Mario Kart is perhaps the most infuriating, make-you-want-to-punch-the-shit-out-of-your-friends-and/or-little-sister racing series ever created by man.
3. Chicks love Mario Kart.
My friends and I used to agree that the game would be better if you hear Toad say, "Select your Mother Fucking Player!"
The Characters
Mario Kart was one of the first games to stumble upon the idea of taking characters from different games and throwing them all into one game so that we could finally prove, once and for all, that Toad was a WAY more badass than Luigi. As the series grew, so did the list of characters. Some were awesome characters that should have been added a long time ago, and of course, we have the characters that we just can't seem to get rid of, no matter how many times we've a) refused to use them, b) used them for green shell target practice, or c) sent death threats to the game developers. It became apparent throughout our game play that what character you choose said something about your personality, such as:
Mario / Luigi – This is your first time playing Mario Kart and you clearly have no idea what you are doing. You saw these two on the covers and recognize their faces from past Mario Bros games, so you figured they were the safe bet. Like in life you see advertisements and recognize name brands, you try to be individualistic in your designer clothes that everyone else wears.
Princess Peach – This is the racer that chicks always picked. It was the only girl in the game and she’s pink! Their racing ability is about what you would expect from a woman controlling a woman racer. She drives way to fast, constantly looses control and falls off cliffs. They will always be last but get the best items and fire them into the wall anyway. Always in 8th place. If you picked this character and were a guy, what the hell dude?
Yoshi – Yoshi is the character you picked if Mario Kart 64 is your first time tasting the bitter/sweetness that is the Mario Kart. He was fast, small, and could drive circles around most of the other racers. Guys usually picked this one opposed to Peach, since they are the same type of racer, but Yoshi is green and not pink, thus manlier. Let’s hope they never find your homoerotic fan fiction of Mario Kart titled, “Yoshi’s Valley.”
Toad – You picked this character because you have the original Mario Kart on the Super Nintendo. You remember him being the best and you stuck your guns. He’s the second fastest but more stable, thus you are always in perfect control. Like your personality you would rather be safer and less fast, thus you picked the fungus.
Wario/Boswer/Donkey Kong – If you have chosen any of these characters you clearly have no idea what is going on. You probably have stumbled into a room of people watching a TV with flashing lights, picked up a controller, shoved it down your pants, then pissed all over yourself. It is the only logical explanation why you choose these characters. Like in life you either have brain damage or are such a total D-Bag that you think you can go the whole race without ever slowing down, hitting the wall, or being hit with any items. Either way the results are the same, GET THE FUCK OUT!!
Look at that Dumb Son of a Bitch, driving off the road on his own level. Also what the hell is Wario doing? Watching Peach blast off to the moon?
The Items
Most people in their twenties would agree that Mario Kart was where their affinity for cursing grew and developed into something verging on psychopathic. And the cause of it all was the floating "?" Block that doled out a random weapon that each of us could use to screw our friends over, often to the point where they either cried or threw their controller at our heads while we laughed maniacally. Some of those coma inducing items:
Lightning - Your about to make that giant jump to win the race at Wario's bizarre arena dirt track when all of the sudden your screen flashes, you spin out, shrink, and get flattened into a tiny pancake after getting run over by a CPU. This one wasn't even all that satisfying to dole out because of the high pitched little song that came with it, especially when compared with...
Star - It's like driving a gay tank down the middle of the Macy's Day Parade. We all love being invincible, and we all love the ability to go really fast, but the best part was the awesome disco track that went along it.
Red Shell - You shoot it, it hones in on the nearest target and tries its very hardest to please its master by fucking up said target.
Green Shell - Red Shell's inbred, drunk driving cousin.
Banana - At first useless and then useful and ultimately obnoxious item. The day we realized we could fling bananas forward was perhaps the greatest days of our adolescence. It quickly went downhill when we realized that we had to dodge those bananas like everyone else. Why bananas would make a car spin out was a mystery, but when one of our friends flew off the course and fell into lava/water/empty space due solely to our discarded fruit condom, we couldn't help but pause the game for a brief but well deserved victory dance.
Blue Shell - Fuck the Blue Shell.
