Just the Facts:
1. Halloween is a great holiday, you get candy, get freaky and put on masks.
2. It's in the same category as Mardi Gras and New Years for crazy, anonymous make-out sessions.
3. "Sexy" may be a better word than "slutty" if you are trying to get your girlfriend to wear these.
I know it may come as a surprise to you 21st century boys and girls, but women were different in the 90’s. It was a different scene. Intelligent, sexual women across the land wanted to run with the wolves while reading Naomi Wolfe’s Beauty Myth. They couldn’t put on make up or shave their legs without asking, “Why am I doing this; are these the tools of my oppression?” I don’t have the stats to prove this, but in the 90’s fewer asses got spanked during sex then any decade in modern history. The 69 rose in prominence as the only accepted egalitarian form of oral sex. And for the first time in history, a frank dialogue about the magic and glory of the menses was considered foreplay.
This was before Sex and the City feminism took hold. Today, women hold onto the false delusion that they can empower themselves by tweeting about how much they enjoy oral sex. Where a frattish mentality of getting drunk and laid is somehow akin to saying, “I’m a woman and I will not be denied!” Now, of course that’s wrong-headed and false, but men don’t typically try to dispel that notion because, well why would we dissuade you from talking about oral sex? It’s much easier for dudes to say, “Yes, you’re an independent woman. Now finish your beer and do that thing I like with the thing.”
Halloween uses the same formula as the Internet: More anonymity -> sexual depravity + people acting like assholes + kids getting access to stuff they never would otherwise
Thus it is no surprise that sexy Halloween costumes took off in the late 90’s early 2000’s threshold. When it comes to Halloween, most women fail to realize they have options aside from the sexy angel, sexy maid, sexy cat or sexy devil. This is because our male-dominated society prevents women from making informed decisions on their own, oppressing them into a Halloween night of routine to further the sexual gratification of men. Women have the right to be whatever they want, be it a sexy firefighter, a sexy police officer, a Playboy bunny or even Jeanie from I dream of Jeanie. The world is yours.
There's an endless variety of costumes for adult women... provided they've been made to be as whorish as possible
1. Have Breasts.
2. Buy a regular costume.
3. Cut holes for cleavage/trim the skirt so it almost covers your vagina.
Costumes for adult women are equal parts inventive and traditional. And by "Traditional", I mean in that "World's oldest profession" way. On the one hand, women can choose a from a cornucopia of work uniforms, fairy tale characters, Halloween icons and genre-types, the only catch is they're made to look like the selection catalogue of a ritzy escort service that specializes in fetishes. Which is fine.
Traditional men have pigeon holed women into the following basic costumes.
Some women may say that the idea of dressing up as a sexy ___ for Halloween is unoriginal and that every conceivable idea has been done more times than a hooker after shore leave. Well, there's no law against women going as something from pop culture, but experience shows us that women simply do not have the same level of hero worship men have with characters from old TV shows and athletes no one takes seriously. But just because a live action Wonder Woman movie isn't on the horizon doesn't mean women are short on options that aren’t ripe for the taking.
Like of female characters from old tv shows or movies,
Any Disney princess
And while it may be sexist to think women can only be female characters, it's certainly better than the conflicting feelings men would have for a suddenly attractive Joey Ramone. However, like all things related to women, things quickly got out of hand. Sexy _____ were no longer enough, they had to somehow warp and twist this idea to further benefit their own schemes. See fellas, I’m going to let you in on alittle secret, women are jealous, selfish, scheming little minks.
Their life long domination (not the fun kinky kind, the horrible soul crushing kind) goals can be broken down into 3 steps.
1. Find a man
2. Isoloate said man from friends, thus isolating him from all manhood.
3. Deconstruct man and rebuild him as another assessory for your house.
It’s that last part that men don’t fully realize is happening until it is too late. Women will isolate their man from the other men, and slowly, so not to raise suspension on the man’s part, they will change his habits, take away his hobbies, and things he enjoys doing that are not in line with what the woman wants. Then to complete the process they will eliminate all nostalgic things the man has. Think I’m joking? What about posters? Men, when you were single you used to have tons of posters, now what is hanging on your walls? Paintings? Carefully constructed portraits of the family? Think about it, has a woman ever asked you to stop playing a video game? To put them away? To flat out get rid of them? Or how about the ultimate mind fuck, has a woman ever asked you stop looking at porn. Remember how much you used to look at before she was in your life? How often do you openly look at it now, in secret? Exactly….
How does this tie back into sexy Halloween costumes? Women are using these costumes to completely turn us off to our childhood nostalgia in an effort to ease the training all women put their men through. Kinda like giving a cat a sedative, before you put them down. Don’t believe me? Take a look…
Women used to dress as the women version of characters.
Like Supergirl and Batgirl.
But now they are dressing as the man characters. Like Spiderman, Green Lantern, Flash.
Or how about nonsexy characters turned sexy? Like from the movie The Wizard of OZ.
They will even change a man character into a female character just to mind fuck them men. Like Freddy Kruger, Chucky, and Leatherface
Also they’re going after inanimate characters.
Transformers
Pacman and the ghosts.
Here is where it gets sick, they will taking children’s cartoons/movies and sexually pervert them just to erase a man’s past.
Like with Nemo and Spongebob.
Lastly, the “Finish Him” move that prove women have crossed the line. Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!
This is the final straw! The line will be drawn here! For years men have seen girls attempt to dress as sexy ninja turtles, and we played it off being individualistic and somewhat creative. But it does not enter our fantasy, because it is the pervasion of something that is stoic, the baseline for our manhood and heroism we have built for ourselves and to see it brought down to this level is just sick. Men NEVER thought about banging the turtles. EVER. You know why? Because of April O’Neal. If any of you women were smart and new anything about Ninja Turtles, you all would be handing out yellow jumpsuits and men would follow you like zombies.
So many early childhood fantasies.
We’ve tried the whole female turtle thing, it didn’t work. Just look at this shit!
Burn it with Fire.
A Power Ranger Cross over!? Are you shitting me!? This almost single handedly killed my childhood.
We've destroyed both franchises. Mission Accomplished.
Why would you take two things men hold the most dear and combine them!? Some things are not meant to be combined! It’s like taking Super Mario Bros. 2 and the Frenchmaid, YOU JUST DO NOT DO IT!!
I understand the individual parts but when you put them all together, I have no idea what I am looking at.
Is nothing safe anymore? Will you women stop at nothing!?
In Conclusion Men are fucked.
Oh as an FYI to any women reading this, Sexy Clowns are creepy as fuck, KNOCK IT OFF!!!
As a side note, there were a high number of sexy Santa outfits, I don’t understand how this ties in to everything.
I’m sure this can’t be good.
